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Society of Penny’s Cartooned Friends
Stuff I’ve already done
You know you’re Australian if …
You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
You think it was normal to have a leader called Kevin.
You’ve made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal, such as watering the garden.
You’re liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans “rooting” for something.
You understand that the phrase ‘a group of women wearing black thongs’ refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
You pronounce Melbourne as ‘Mel-bin’.
You believe the ‘l’ in the word ‘Australia’ is optional.
You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
You call your best friend ‘a total bastard’ but someone you really, truly despise is ‘a bit of a bastard’.
You think ‘Yackandandah’ is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
You’re secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that’s twice as big as its $2 coin.
You instinctively understand that ‘Wagga Wagga’ can be abbreviated to ‘Wagga’ but that ‘Woy Woy’ can’t ever be called ‘Woy’.
You believe that salty Yeast Extract makes a good breakfast spread. You’ve also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.
You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
You expect beetroot with your Hamburger… Of course!
You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels’ song ‘Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again’, and “Living next door to Alice”.
You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
You wear ugg boots outside the house.
You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
You believe that the more you shorten someone’s name the more you like them.
Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
You understand that ‘excuse me’ can sound rude, while ‘scuse me’ is always polite.
You know what it’s like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.
Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket.
You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call ‘Anzac cookies’.
You still think of Kylie as ‘that girl off Neighbours’.
When working at a bar, you understand that male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in ”-o”: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc.
You know that there is a universal place called “woop woop” located in the middle of nowhere…no matter where you actually are.
You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like shit. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.
You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.
You’ve only ever used the words – tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet – to mean good. And then you place ‘bloody’ in front of it when you REALLY mean it.
You know that the barbecue is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the Salad.
You say ‘no worries’ quite often, whether you realise it or not.
You understand what no wucking furries means.
You’ve drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.
You own a Bond’s chesty. In several different colours.
You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, But not as good as barra. Or a meat pie.
You know that some people pronounce Australia like “Straya” and that’s ok.